Why can’t straight men believe that a woman can live a perfectly happy life without needing sex with a penis?  It’s impossible for them to understand that a penis is not the only thing in the world that can please a woman.  In fact, many of my straight female friends are RARELY pleased.  A guy should give up when you tell him that you’re a lesbian, but instead they see it as an invitation to watch you and your girlfriend.  What is it that makes all these men think that a lesbian needs a man every once in a while???

After watching “The Kids Are Alright” I started to realize why men get so jolly when they hear the word “lesbian.”  If filmmakers stopped creating these unrealistic and pointless lesbian movies, perhaps straight men would learn what the definition of lesbian really is.

All lesbian movies just plain suck! They are obviously making these movies to satisfy straight men fantasies.  In almost every single “mainstream” and notable lesbian movie, one of the girl’s ends up with a guy.  It even happened in Queer as Folk and the L Word.   These stories make lesbians look like we don’t know what we want, and makes women in general look completely dependent on men.

Movies play a big role in developing the culture and stereotypes perceived upon the lesbian community.  It’s really irritating that the majority of lesbian movies portray us as always wanting to take a break from our girlfriends to be with a man.  The only lesbian movie that hasn’t pissed me the hell off is “I Can’t Think Straight.”  Now that is a story that represents our community well.

Will we ever get our “Brokeback Mountain?”  From the way things are going…probably not.

The gay community has so many flags that represent all the different sub-communities. Our gay male friends are definitely the most established.  They have a flag for the young gays, leather guys, hairy guys, and girly guys.  Even the bisexuals have their own flag!!!!

So I’ve always wondered…WHERE ARE THE LESBIAN FLAGS????  Are we lacking pride or is our community just too lazy to come up with something?

I have taken it upon myself to design the very first lipstick lesbian pride flag.  Now we have our own flag to wave at the gay parade!

And here it is…..

The Official Lipstick Lesbian Flag

My girlfriend and I were sitting at the bar inside the infamous Cubbyhole one beautiful summer afternoon.  As I’m ordering another round of drinks from the bartender, a girl that resembled a young K.D. Lang in a NYU t-shirt started hitting on my girlfriend.  I turned to hand over my girlfriend a drink, and gave her new admirer a big smile and said, “Hi, I’m her girlfriend.”

(I never got the girl’s name so I’m going to call her Casey.)

“What????” Casey exclaimed with a totally confused look on her face.

“Umm…yea we’re together,” my girlfriend said.

Casey declared,”That’s sooooo WEIRD!!! I’ve never seen two femmes together!!! You guys are lying!!!!”

My girlfriend and I looked at each other totally astonished.  Out of all places, we’re getting shit at a gay bar!!!!

“What’s so weird about that?”  I asked obviously annoyed.

“It just doesn’t make any sense!” Casey said as she walked away shaking her head.

Wow…so even a lesbian thinks it’s weird for two feminine girls to be together?  Something is wrong with our community, and I will definitely elaborate on that later.

1.  A lesbian can fight hard as hell and then completely make up a few hours later.

2.  It would really piss off Sarah Palin and all the Tea Party people.

3.  Everyone on Capital Hill looks like a lesbian anyways.

4.  She would use the stalking  expertise of all her ex-girlfriends to find Osama Bin Laden.

5.  The more socially advanced Europeans would like Americans again.

6.  Since surveys say that lesbians make better mothers, there will be no budget cuts for education.

7.  She will make sure that women make the same amount as men do!

8.  Ellen will do what Oprah did for Obama!

9.  Lesbian is the new black.

10.  There will finally be equal rights for everyone in the USA.

I have a career, my own place in NYC, and a girlfriend of six years, but I still have not come out to my parents. I’ve never had a boyfriend and started dating girls when I was fifteen, so shouldn’t they just figure it out already? Well apparently not because once a week my mom will tell me,”I just hope you find a rich man. My friend’s daughter moved to New York too and found a rich man.”

Not coming out to my parents when I still lived with them was an obvious advantage of course. I would have girls sleep over all the time and they never had a clue as to what went on behind that door :o) However, now that I’m getting older, the whole situation is just really irritating. I know that I will have to tell them eventually, but at this point I choose to avoid the drama.

A huge part of the problem is that my family has never been close.
My aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins have never been in my life and my parents are just difficult people. I can sum up the personality of my father in one sentence: He still thinks George W. Bush was a great President. My mother on the other hand is just crazy. If you say something that she doesn’t like, you’d better watch out for the piece of furniture flying towards your head.  I know for a fact that my parents would disown me in a heartbeat.

I have easily come out in all other areas of my life. I told my sister when I was 16 after she asked me, “Are you funny?” My cover was blown with my sister when my girlfriend at the time spontaneously shaved her head and ended up looking like a big butch. I lost pretty much all of my friends when I came out in high school, but I never let it bother me.  I was too busy trying to pick up chicks anyways.  Thanks to Facebook, I now know that all those homophobic jerks in high school are now gay. I’m lucky enough to work in a very gay dominated industry so coming out at work is a piece of cake.  All of my straight girl colleagues think it’s kind of cool.

I just think that coming out to your parents isn’t meant for everyone.  My girlfriend is completely out to her family, but still makes up fake boyfriends at work.  There will always be a situation where coming out just isn’t a good idea, especially when you know that it’s going to be painful and unnecessarily dramatic.  Who needs that shit anyways….as long as you’re true to yourself right!

So what if I still have one pinky toe in the closet!

1.  Lesbians won’t approach you at a bar because they think you’re a bisexual whore looking for a threesome with your boyfriend.

2.  Nobody ever believes that you’re gay,  and thinks that you’re just going through a phase because of a bad boyfriend experience.

3.  Men become way too interested in your life.

4.  Finding another single lipstick lesbian is next to impossible.

5.  Butches get ALL the girls!!!

6.  When you walk into a lesbian bar, everyone looks at you up and down and then whispers to each other, “Well she went to the wrong place.”

7.  You get more action from straight girls wanting to experiment.

8.  Most lipstick lesbians are mean ass bitches.

9.  When you come out to someone they always have a crazy look on their face and then say…”Well I had no idea! You don’t seem gay!!!”

1o.  Everyone thinks that your butch friend is your lover.

My Worst Date Ever

Posted: July 18, 2010 in Uncategorized

Many, many years ago and in a drunken stupor, I made out with some random girl at a bar.  
The bar was very dimly lit and I had huge beer goggles on that night. The only thing I could really see was that she was skinny and had really long blonde hair. Anyhow, she asked me out on a date and I accepted. I don’t remember her name so for story purposes I’ll call her Jane.

A few days later I met up with her and she took me to dinner at some cheap Mexican restaurant.  When I first saw Jane without my beer goggles on, I was totally shocked and disappointed.  Of course she had to be hideous.  She had horrible skin with huge zits covered up with inches of the wrong color makeup.  Jane was actually Asian, which is not my type at all.  She totally threw me off with the blonde hair that night.  It’s so amazing how much beautiful everything looks when you’ve had too much to drink.  It was about 85 degrees outside and Jane was wearing a long sleeved sweater, huge jeans, and a fur Kangol hat.   Who the hell wears a fur hat in the summer???  Before we even stepped into the restaurant, I knew that I was in for a very long and tortuous evening.

Now I love food and want to be with a girl that can EAT!  Before the waiter came to take our order, Jane complained and complained about how hungry she was since she was too busy working all day to eat anything.  I just stared in amazement when she ordered spring greens with no dressing and a diet coke.  “Great, I’m out with an anorexic freak show,” I thought.  Besides being ugly and having strange eating habits, having a conversation with Jane was like pulling teeth.  This is how the conversation went.

Jane:  “I work so much, and I’m soooo busy.”  And she takes a tiny bite of lettuce.

Me:   “So what is it that you do?”

Jane: “I can’t even explain it to you because it’s just so much stuff.”

Me:  “Ok, so you can’t even just tell me one thing?”

Jane:  “Well I own my own company and it’s very stressful.”

Me:  “What kind of a company?”

Jane:  “A computer company.”

Me:   oohh god. “What kind of a computer company?”

Jane:  “I’m just really busy. Sooo busy….”  and she shakes her head. After two bites of lettuce she says that she’s completely stuffed.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!  So that was pretty much the tone for the entire night.  Boring as hell and strange beyond belief.  In addition to owning some mystery computer company, she models and acts.  In my head I was thinking, who would hire acne-fest over here to model?  Maybe for those dirty Asian porn magazines???  I did ask her but I’m sure you already know what her answer was.  “All kinds of action movies. I’m just soooo busy.”

I lost my appetite, especially after she told me she was building a house in the Hamptons.  Jane bragging about how much money she had was just too much bullshit for me to handle.  Jane asked for the check by snapping her fingers at the waiter.  I’ve never seen anything so rude before in my life, so I apologized to him and gave Jane a mean glare.  Since she was probably raised by wolves, Jane was completely oblivious.  All I wanted to do was get up from that table, tell Jane how crazy she was and then go home and IM all of friends about my experience.  However, I was in a big Karma streak at that time, and thought that doing that to someone would just bring me even more bullshit dates.  So I decided to hang in there and just finish the stupid date like a real classy lady should.

Jane suggested that we head over to the movie theater because she really wanted to see Catwoman.  Since she paid for dinner, Jane wanted me to pay for the movie tickets.  Yea…some millionaire she is!!!  My blood was boiling.  Throughout the entire movie, which was HORRENDOUS, I fantasized about telling her that I was going to the bathroom and then I would run out the front door and go home.  I thought that this girl deserved to be ditched in the middle of a date!  But then again, all I could think about was bad Karma and how I wouldn’t want someone to do that to  me.  So I stayed until the movie ended.  The best part about it was that we didn’t have to talk to each other.

As we leave the theater, Jane leaned in to give me a kiss.  I was expecting this so I turned my head and I’m sure that I had a disgusted look on my face.  Stupid Jane just ignored it and gave me a hug.  Finally, I was released from the worst date I’ve ever had in my life.  To top things off, the subway I was on going home caught on fire.  So much for Karma!  A few days later, Jane IM’s me on AOL and asks me out again.  I busted out laughing.  I told Jane that she was really rude and that I never wanted to see her again.  She said that she really liked me and was upset.  Oh god…so I put her on my  blocked list and thankfully never heard from her again.

I definitely learned my lesson about beer goggles. I can’t believe I made out with this freak!!!!

I never went out on date with a girl from a bar again.