My Worst Date Ever

Posted: July 18, 2010 in Uncategorized
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Many, many years ago and in a drunken stupor, I made out with some random girl at a bar.  
The bar was very dimly lit and I had huge beer goggles on that night. The only thing I could really see was that she was skinny and had really long blonde hair. Anyhow, she asked me out on a date and I accepted. I don’t remember her name so for story purposes I’ll call her Jane.

A few days later I met up with her and she took me to dinner at some cheap Mexican restaurant.  When I first saw Jane without my beer goggles on, I was totally shocked and disappointed.  Of course she had to be hideous.  She had horrible skin with huge zits covered up with inches of the wrong color makeup.  Jane was actually Asian, which is not my type at all.  She totally threw me off with the blonde hair that night.  It’s so amazing how much beautiful everything looks when you’ve had too much to drink.  It was about 85 degrees outside and Jane was wearing a long sleeved sweater, huge jeans, and a fur Kangol hat.   Who the hell wears a fur hat in the summer???  Before we even stepped into the restaurant, I knew that I was in for a very long and tortuous evening.

Now I love food and want to be with a girl that can EAT!  Before the waiter came to take our order, Jane complained and complained about how hungry she was since she was too busy working all day to eat anything.  I just stared in amazement when she ordered spring greens with no dressing and a diet coke.  “Great, I’m out with an anorexic freak show,” I thought.  Besides being ugly and having strange eating habits, having a conversation with Jane was like pulling teeth.  This is how the conversation went.

Jane:  “I work so much, and I’m soooo busy.”  And she takes a tiny bite of lettuce.

Me:   “So what is it that you do?”

Jane: “I can’t even explain it to you because it’s just so much stuff.”

Me:  “Ok, so you can’t even just tell me one thing?”

Jane:  “Well I own my own company and it’s very stressful.”

Me:  “What kind of a company?”

Jane:  “A computer company.”

Me:   oohh god. “What kind of a computer company?”

Jane:  “I’m just really busy. Sooo busy….”  and she shakes her head. After two bites of lettuce she says that she’s completely stuffed.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!  So that was pretty much the tone for the entire night.  Boring as hell and strange beyond belief.  In addition to owning some mystery computer company, she models and acts.  In my head I was thinking, who would hire acne-fest over here to model?  Maybe for those dirty Asian porn magazines???  I did ask her but I’m sure you already know what her answer was.  “All kinds of action movies. I’m just soooo busy.”

I lost my appetite, especially after she told me she was building a house in the Hamptons.  Jane bragging about how much money she had was just too much bullshit for me to handle.  Jane asked for the check by snapping her fingers at the waiter.  I’ve never seen anything so rude before in my life, so I apologized to him and gave Jane a mean glare.  Since she was probably raised by wolves, Jane was completely oblivious.  All I wanted to do was get up from that table, tell Jane how crazy she was and then go home and IM all of friends about my experience.  However, I was in a big Karma streak at that time, and thought that doing that to someone would just bring me even more bullshit dates.  So I decided to hang in there and just finish the stupid date like a real classy lady should.

Jane suggested that we head over to the movie theater because she really wanted to see Catwoman.  Since she paid for dinner, Jane wanted me to pay for the movie tickets.  Yea…some millionaire she is!!!  My blood was boiling.  Throughout the entire movie, which was HORRENDOUS, I fantasized about telling her that I was going to the bathroom and then I would run out the front door and go home.  I thought that this girl deserved to be ditched in the middle of a date!  But then again, all I could think about was bad Karma and how I wouldn’t want someone to do that to  me.  So I stayed until the movie ended.  The best part about it was that we didn’t have to talk to each other.

As we leave the theater, Jane leaned in to give me a kiss.  I was expecting this so I turned my head and I’m sure that I had a disgusted look on my face.  Stupid Jane just ignored it and gave me a hug.  Finally, I was released from the worst date I’ve ever had in my life.  To top things off, the subway I was on going home caught on fire.  So much for Karma!  A few days later, Jane IM’s me on AOL and asks me out again.  I busted out laughing.  I told Jane that she was really rude and that I never wanted to see her again.  She said that she really liked me and was upset.  Oh god…so I put her on my  blocked list and thankfully never heard from her again.

I definitely learned my lesson about beer goggles. I can’t believe I made out with this freak!!!!

I never went out on date with a girl from a bar again.

Hey my fellow lesbians!
I’ve made a list of what I think are the greatest advantages of loving women.
Send me a comment if you want to add anything to the list.

1.  Sex lasts a hell of a lot longer then 10 minutes.
2.  You’ll never have to clean up piss off the outside of the toilet.
3.  Double the wardrobe.
4.  Sex doesn’t stop until YOU cum
5.  Girls smell good even when they’re all sweaty.
6.  You will save a ton of money since you’ll never go out.
7.  Multiple orgasms!
8.  Your lover will become your best friend.
9.  You don’t have to worry about an “OOPS!”
10. Girls are just more romantic.